Thursday, February 24, 2005

Gawdawful N.U.I.

Hi All!

I've been experiencing a state of being that is worth naming: N.U.I.;

N umb
U ninterested
I idleness.

I have assigned it degrees from Mild to Gawdawful.

During the past week or so, I have been experiencing the most serious form.

What follows might sound like a fine white whine. Not really meant to be. I'd throw a Pity Party but what if no one came?

No, this is just a sharing that is meant to be self-therapy rather than a projection of misery.

I've tried to order my days with scheduled activities. What has happened so far is that I picked a couple of chores -- loading and unloading the dishwasher and uncluttering/straightening and have become compulsive about them. I am also fattening up on pop, snacks and frozen entrees.

I think part of it is physical -- the liver damage keeps me low-functioning and easily tired. The meds and antidepressants probably play a role. A fair part is certainly due to the incredible void in my life left with the departure of beer, brandy and vodka.

The fact that I am confined to quarters, the place where I did 99% of my drinking, seems to be creating a perverse sense of loneliness.

It may also be that after 5 VERY eventful months during which I received gobs of attention, wanted or not, I am suddenly "back home" where the cards, letters and visitors have dried up. My support system is probably as burned out with me as I am myself.

It's gotten so that the arrival of the junkmailman and the phone calls from telemarketers are exciting parts of the day. I even look forward to Breathalizer Guy. Hey, a visitor is a visitor.

I've been slow to be honest about it, but the electronic House Arrest is getting to me. It's not so much that I can't get out to run errands or play NTN Trivia as it is the very unsubtle cigarette box-shaped transmitter strapped securely to my ankle and the mysterious black box hooked up to the phone reminding me that I am a convicted criminal and a really bad person.

As once quoteth Randy Moss after his own run in with the law, "Life ain't all peaches 'n cream."

I feel better already.



Blogger lloydletta said...

Paul, I've been wondering how you are doing. I'm glad to see you've put an update.

I don't know if you know this, but I got admitted, and then booted from MOB - it only took a day. Tom Swift and I both have posted about this.

7:54 PM  
Blogger lloydletta said...

Paul - I've been in psych wards before because of my bipolar disorder. I hear you about the shock of coming home from getting way more attention than one wants to being isolated at home. Take care.

9:36 AM  
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