Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Personality Disorder Leads Coming Into the Home Stretch...

followed closely by High Anxiety, Johnny Law, Case Worker and Breathalizer Guy, with Self Esteem and Confidence bringing up the rear.

Hi All!

"You may be a bit antisocial."

"Antisocial? That may be a bit of an understatement.

You think rules are meant to be broken - and with gusto!
Having no fear, you don't even think about consequences.
But people love you anyway... you've got a boatload of charm."

I saved that passage awhile back and now I've forgotten who to attribute to. It is one of the things I've read lately that fit me to a tee.

And this, from Steven King's book, "A Memoir of the Craft." I must paraphrase as I can't find the exact passage now. It goes something like this:

I am equal parts cautious conservatism and reckless abandon, braided like strands of different colored hair.

As my annus horribilus draws to a close and the legal restrictions peel away, I find myself feeling my old conservative/reckless self. Resentments and anger are worming their way back into my fragile, freshly remodeled psyche. It is a dangerous time.

My life's work has been about being a good person and a model citizen with an irresistible urge to "beat the system" at every opportunity. It worked very very well for a long long time. Got me through school with top scores and honors, made a fast start of a profitable business, found better parking spaces and shorter lines.

The Big Dodge, which ultimately became my nearly total undoing was my ability to be a high-functioning heavy drinker. Being self-employed and quite successful at first, gave me all the freedom and flexibility to "enjoy myself" and the liquid courage to take chances.

I won't rehash all the various traumas I've lived through since I got stopped 4 blocks from home last May. I've been leaking them out in dribs and drabs which can be read in the archives going back to May 20, 2004.

As relative "freedom" is only days away, my old approach/avoidance malady is starting to kick in.

I will white-knuckle through it, but what happens next will be a stern test of how my hard work learning hard lessons will pay off. Frankly, I'm a bit chary. I think that is a good thing right now, but I can't live my new life based on fear.

Keep me in your thoughts. Blogging is a therapeutic lifeline for me--a way to get things out and a way to save my thoughts for future reference. Thanks for reading.


PS. The tongue tissue was benign, but I have a hell of a nasty ulcer which only time can heal. I just have to live with the inconvenience and perhaps turn it to an advantage by learning to avoid salty foods!


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