Saturday, February 05, 2005

F.E.A.R. Factor

Hi All!

As my appointment with the county jailer draws near, I have been haunted by F.E.A.R., an acronym that I picked up in treatment which stands for False Expectations Appearing Real. It's a nasty preoccupation that we all experience at one time or another. It can drive one to distraction.

I am visualizing all sorts of bad things that will or won't happen to me on Monday. The solution is to live in the present and take the future as it comes, but I am still learning to do that.

Better success has been achieved in unburdening myself of the past. I can surely visit it but I refuse to live there anymore. Guilt, shame, remorse and regret are drawn from obsessing with what's done and over with

Each moment in time is the only thing that is reality. The past doesn't exist except as a thought. The future doesn't exist at all.

These principles, which I may have botched a little, are drawn from a fairly new addiction treatment modality called HR -- "Health Realization."

I have embraced the practices of HR as the best way for me to live out what life is left for me. It certainly has helped me keep sober. For example, I was waiting for a bus at University and Snelling last week. Northbound Snelling stop is in front of a liquor store. Why not stop in before the bus comes and just get a mini-bottle. That's the moment. That's real. I can choose what to do in that moment -- continue to wait for the bus and let the thought go, or act on thought. Once the former is chosen, the latter goes away.

Am I making any sense? Well, I am a neophyte in this stuff, but whether I am describing accurately or not, whatever it is, it has really been working for me.

You may be wondering how A.A. fits in with this for the "recovering" addict. Unfortunately, I suspect it may be treated as heresy by the Big Book Thumpers.

I have been attending AA and NA meetings, trying to find "the right one" for me. No doubt that these fellowships have helped millions, but I am wrestling with the "one size fits all" attitude that seems to by taken as Gospel Truth by the true believers.

As time goes by, I will get further into this. I also have about a hundred pages of journaling to scour for blog material. Lots of stories, sad, funny, serious. Hope you will check in often and don't hesitate to leave comments.



Blogger Trudger said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am posting as anon as it is easier than opening an acct. I agree that the one size fits all is tough, but again be patient, it does get better. I don't know your situation except that you have to visit the jail. The bottom line is that you are in the system and you have to get out. I have been in both. Find a way to stay out of trouble, Whether it is staying sober or throwing away your keys; again I don't know your situation but it must be changed for your health.

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friend of Bill W. wanting to say congratulations on huge first steps of your lifelong journey.

19 years of sobriety and I can still taste the fear from those first days -

Praying for you and what/whomever you determine is your higher power.
Could it be Mitch Berg?

9:54 PM  
Anonymous joeg said...

Hang in there wogger! I'll be pulling for you. Happiness is not
earned. It is lived in the here
and now. not for everyone.
There are quite a few other program's out there if you look

Stay Healthy,

12:11 AM  

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