Sunday, February 04, 2007

Crunchy Cold



Hi All!

It is ridiculously, unfathomably, excruciatingly and witch teat, monkey's bum cold here in Flyoverland, Minnesota.

Just ask the National Weather Service:

TEMPERATURES LATE THIS AFTERNOON WERE NEAR 10 BELOW ZERO WITH
WIND CHILLS FROM 25 BELOW TO 40 BELOW ZERO. NORTHWEST WINDS OF 10
TO 15 MPH WILL COMBINED WITH TEMPERATURES OF 10 BELOW TO 20 BELOW
ZERO...WILL CREATE WIND CHILLS OF 30 TO 45 BELOW ZERO. THESE
DANGEROUS AND LIFE THREATENING WEATHER CONDITIONS WILL PERSIST
THROUGH MONDAY MORNING...ESPECIALLY OVER WEST CENTRAL WISCONSIN.

IF VENTURING OUTDOORS...YOU SHOULD DRESS ACCORDINGLY...MAKE SURE
THAT YOU COVER YOUR HEAD AND HANDS. MOTORISTS ARE ADVISED TO CARRY
A WINTER SAFETY KIT OR A MOBILE PHONE IN CASE YOU GET STRANDED.

When I was younger, I, like most BS-ers from Minnesota liked to brag about our indifference to the White Fang Cold we endured every year.

As I have aged, I much less look forward to spitting in Jack Frost's face (it would just freeze onto my beard).

My parents left at the beginning of December for a Southwestern U.S.A. road trip. They say they will be back by March, but if this keeps up they have the option of leeching food and shelter from the numerous friends and relatives that were sane enough to get out of this frozen hell.

To my infinite credit, if I must say so myself, I managed to stack all the accumulated crap in our attached double garage into the tandem double garage behind it and for the first time in countless years, two cars can sleep in relative comfort.

The sounds our cars make when left outside in these conditions remind me of the horrible shrieks emitted by bunny rabbits when our goofy dachshund/terrier/border collie/black lab concoctions, Stan and Ollie, lay fang to them.

Metal on metal as the oil pump fruitlessly tries to force thick maple syrup into the cylinders. The automatic transmission bands spinning freely and vainly until they can catch a bit of hydraulic mush to make the reluctant gears engage.

As tempted as I am, I will not make this a global warming post, but just for giggles I'll blithely toss this one off:

Global Warming? My Ass!

Speaking of which, perhaps our current weather torture is partially due to the absence of Prince, who is usually good for a few degrees warming when he is staying at home. Miami's got all the luck today...if it don't rain....which it might.

Good luck little purple phenom, if it rains on your "Parade" (fans get it - album name, duh!) it is your fault for being a snow bird and not being here with a crock of chili and a vat of hot cider with the furnace going full blast and a zero percent chance of rain. I'm no meteorologist but right now it is -9 degrees F with a stiff wind making it feel sub 40. It ain't gonna rain, and I fear not being bit by a mosquito.

Hey, today was the last day of our Winter Carnival!

Cheers!





4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Global Warming, Yes! This is my theory: It is so warm up where the North Pole is that the icebergs are melting and sending their cold water southward, which in turns freezes us in Minnesota.

2:50 PM  
Blogger raven said...

Hi Paul,

I'm the Scorpio owner in Phoenix, AZ. you so graciously and cheaply sold a rear cut-off switch that got rear power seat and windows working a few months ago.
Just to share another perspective on weather extremes.
Today here in Phx the forecast calls for 79 and sunny..was out by the pool in the morning doing some maintenance and worked up a slight sweat. Nice ? Not really as there's a price...
After 11 years here, moving back to the Northeast, probably upsate NY.
Why? Well a combo of reasons but the weather is in the top two.
Summers here are very long, with a scorching heat and that saps all energy to function. You are literally trapped in A/C environments, driving is torture and evenings, nights and dawn are very hot with no let-up despite what one would expect for a cool-down of sorts. NO relief.

The business community and real estate interests here always talk up the "good" weather, sunshine, lifestyle and lack of natural disasters as a great place to live.
My reply:
The natural disaster in Phoenix, AZ. starts in mid-April until October!
Stay warm and safe.
Nick

10:55 AM  
Blogger PK said...

Raven -- LOL! A Teutonic beast that flashes an almost-freezing orange warning and a red below-freezing red at what seems like 40 and 32 degrees reflects engineers that really didn't build the Scorpio for the Tundra of Flyoverland.

OTH - My '72 Bug is phased by neither cold nor heat, but not climate controlled much either! At least I don't need a to scrape the windows inside while I'm driving!

11:10 AM  
Blogger heracles said...

I spent five years in Iowa and decided that I was taking an extra year off my life for every winter spent there. Here in northern New Mexico the temperature never gets extreme. This year we have had an unusual amount of snow. Last year we had none. WE always have sun but rarely the killer variety they have in Phoenix. If only we also had an economy...

1:01 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home